Why Time With You Matters to Your Child

MAKOR4life · Family & Children

Children may remember celebrations, outings and gifts. But when they look back on childhood, the way they felt with us matters too: Did anyone listen to me? Did they understand me? Did they want to spend time with me?

Emotions influence how we remember events. Research into children's autobiographical memory also suggests that the way adults talk with children about their experiences matters. Sensitive, attentive conversations about joy, sadness or fear are associated with how children remember what happened. This does not tell us what any one child will remember most. It does remind us of something practical: our presence, our listening and the way we respond matter. [1] [2]

A child needs more than care for their everyday needs. They need to feel known. That feeling does not grow from one perfect day; it grows through repeated moments when we slow down, listen and stay close. I would like to share a few practices that have become especially precious to our family over the past six years. They are possibilities to consider, not a standard for other families to meet.

1. Shared meals: room for conversation and gratitude

In our home, we try to eat at least two meals together each day, and often all three. We set and clear the table together, and sometimes prepare the food together too. Screens stay off. Mealtimes are about more than eating: between bites, we talk about our day, our feelings and our hopes.

Of course, meals with young children can be chaotic. My husband and I are still learning how to work through those moments, and now our older sons contribute ideas too. A meal does not become valuable because it always goes smoothly. It is valuable because we keep coming back to the table together.

We begin with a song or prayer. We thank God for our food and for the people beside us. We also pray for those who do not have enough. We have seen compassion grow in our children: they notice when someone needs help and come up with their own ideas for what we could do. Our table has become a place where gratitude takes root in ordinary life.

“Your children will be like vigorous young olive trees as they sit around your table.”

Psalm 128:3, NLT

I love this picture from the Psalms: a family gathered around a table and children growing like young olive trees. A shared meal does not have to happen twice a day to be meaningful. Begin with a time that genuinely works for your family.

2. Bedtime conversations that become prayer

Each evening, my husband and I take turns putting our older boys to bed as circumstances allow. Before they sleep, we talk: What brought you joy today? What worried you? What was difficult? Then we pray. The boys share a room, but we try to give each of them his own conversation. His brother may hear it and learn something from it too. Sometimes we pray together as a family; sometimes we pray with each son separately.

Some evenings everyone is tired and the conversation is short. That is not a failure. We do not want prayer to become a dull duty. Yet a steady rhythm has helped this become a warm tradition we all look forward to. We want to know more than what our children did that day. We want to know what is really going on in their hearts.

Our children can talk about joy, anger, disappointment and fear. No feeling is bad in itself; together we learn to name feelings and choose how to respond to them. As we listen, we come to know our children better, notice where they need encouragement and learn a great deal from them. Sometimes these conversations become so dear to us that we do not want to end them, even after a long day.

How can you begin praying with a child?

When our children were very small, we began with simple thanks: for God creating us and giving us one another. We then added words for whatever had made them happy or sad. At first we prayed a line at a time and they repeated it. Later they began praying in their own words. Now, sometimes they say, “Mum, you pray tonight,” only to remember several more people and things we should pray for after I say “amen.” Their own part in the conversation has grown.

Over time, our prayers have grown from thanksgiving to praying for others and asking God for wisdom in particular situations. There is no required formula or length. The conversation about the day naturally becomes a conversation with Jesus, bringing Him both joys and worries.

I especially want to encourage anyone who is still learning to pray: your Heavenly Father does not require polished sentences before you can speak to Him. He desires a relationship with His children. You can begin with a simple “thank you,” tell Him what troubles you, or say, “God, I don't know how to pray.” I believe our Heavenly Father longs to hear from us and treasures even a hesitant first attempt to speak with Him. Jesus teaches us to approach God as our Father, and Scripture reminds us that the Spirit helps us when we do not know how to pray (Romans 8:26).

“The LORD is close to all who call on him”

Psalm 145:18, NLT

A child's first prayer does not have to sound “right” either. We can help children find their own words, pray alongside them and gladly listen to what they want to tell God. What matters is a sincere desire to speak with their Father.

“Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances”

1 Thessalonians 5:17–18, NLT

Philippians 4:6 also invites us to bring our needs to God with thanksgiving. These passages remind us that prayer is a living conversation, welcome even on an ordinary evening beside a child's bed.

3. One-on-one “dates” with each child

Before we had children of our own, we were inspired by a family of dear friends in the United States, whose family also included three children adopted from Latvia. They made a point of spending time individually with each child. We saw how much good could grow from it and wanted to build that kind of time into our family too.

For us, a “date” means one child spending time with just Mum or just Dad. This is especially meaningful for our older sons; our little daughter currently receives a great deal of individual attention in everyday life. Each of us takes the boys out separately. It gives a child room to talk, ask questions, joke and simply be together without sharing that parent's attention.

That time does not always have to be found outside ordinary life. When it is practical, my husband takes one son along on an errand, a trip or a visit to the gym. I too sometimes combine a planned task with time for just one child. We get something done, and my child gets my undivided attention.

One day I had blueberry bushes to plant. I could have taken both boys to preschool and finished the job faster. Instead, I brought one with me and appointed him chief gardener for the day. He was delighted to help. At one point he said, “Mum, you shouldn't have to carry the heavy things. I'll roll that bag of mulch over there.” ❤️ We worked, talked and laughed together, had a little picnic and shared plenty of hugs. I would have completed more tasks on my own. I would never trade that day with my son for a longer list of finished jobs.

Now the boys suggest their own ideas for where they would like to go and what they would like to do with Mum or Dad. We also make plans for dates that involve no errands or chores. At the same time, we are still learning to make regular time alone for ourselves. Adults need rest too.

If you cannot see space for time like this, you might begin by asking: which ordinary activity already on my calendar could my child join me in, with real attention from me? Scripture encourages us to speak of God's words with our children at home, on the road and throughout the day (Deuteronomy 6:6–7). Both spiritual and personal closeness can grow while doing something simple together.

4. Being together on our days off

Going to church was an essential part of our family life for a long time. Right now we are looking for a new church and asking God to guide our next step. On Sundays, or sometimes Saturdays, we have what we affectionately call our “little church at home”: we praise God, pray, learn from Scripture and practise Bible memory verses together. We want the children to understand those verses, not merely recite them. I hope to write more about meaningful Scripture memorisation in a future article.

We love spending our days off outdoors. When someone is unwell or we need to stay home, we find other things to enjoy together: games, imaginative play, crafts, household tasks or gardening. The boys often love helping all around the house, though tidying their own toys is rather less popular! Washing, sorting or fixing something can also make room for conversation and teamwork.

When we stay in and turn on the television

Our children watch television relatively infrequently. Sometimes they even stop watching of their own accord and go back to their games or other activities. When we do choose something to watch, my husband and I first consider the content: is it suitable for their age, and are we comfortable with what they will see? A child's wish to watch something is not, by itself, a reason to put it on.

The time does not end when the programme ends. Afterwards we talk: “What did you see? What did you understand? What did you learn? Was anything surprising or upsetting?” Their answers help us understand how they took in what they saw and open a conversation about values and the questions it raised. We can stay present as parents even when a screen is involved, by choosing thoughtfully and listening afterwards.

It matters to us that we do not simply hand the children a game and leave. We try to play with them and let ourselves be a little childlike again. We learn to get along, discover more about one another and enjoy each other's company. We do not need to fill every minute of a day off. We want to be fully there for the time we do share.

If you want to begin, take one step

If you are not yet praying together, one-on-one dates have not happened, or life feels too full, do not begin with guilt. Begin with a short, honest list for yourself:

• If you prayed with your child tonight, what could you thank God for?
• Where might you go for your first time together, just the two of you? Could a walk or a shared task be enough?
• What would you like to learn about your child? What would you like them to know about you?
• Where might you find ten or fifteen minutes this week for an unhurried conversation? Is there something you could set aside?
• What holds you back: tiredness, fear, a sense that you do not know how, or genuinely difficult circumstances? What help could you ask of God and the people around you?

Your child matters more than a perfectly completed daily plan. The first step can be small. Pause, choose when to take it, and bring that desire to God in prayer.

About the research: [1] Study of sensitive parent-child conversations and children's memory for emotional events; [2] Study of the quality of mother-child reminiscing and children's autobiographical memory. These studies describe associations; they do not guarantee particular memories or developmental outcomes. Scripture links use the New Living Translation (NLT).